This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
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Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
shut up and take my money
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford