Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter