“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
who wore it better?
Fight
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Very good! 👍😂
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked