*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Not today
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Brilliant!
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.