*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA
Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think