Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose