Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.