To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
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You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son