my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
You Might Also Like
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
asked my bf how work was today
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin