Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
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Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.