*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..


Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.


Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.


Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.


Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said


Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!


Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.


Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.


Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’