Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Ha
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.