‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
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When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.