Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Me: Oh phew!
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*