it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“What?”
– Jude
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.