[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 馃槈
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
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Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don鈥檛 deserve to be here, I鈥檓 not good enough
Satan: what
He鈥檚 heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn鈥檛 know when to let something go
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I鈥檇 get me a Joop
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor鈥檚 garden.
~poetry
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fj盲llbo
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that鈥檚 the real prank
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Date: I like a guy who鈥檚 environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that鈥檚 a cloud
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket