her: my parents are gone 馃槈
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 馃槨馃棷
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It鈥檚 okay if you say no. There鈥檚 probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they鈥檙e so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let鈥檚 go with a bag
Inventor: but they鈥檒l get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.