The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
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her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth