My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
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As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
😂💯
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone