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Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr