Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

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Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately


Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished


Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.


how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands


Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out


Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.


1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.


So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day


ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list