Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Best spoiler warning ever
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[on my way back to the posting caves]
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*