@Severnjaca

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

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@kidnapped_jesus

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

@hipchkk

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

@JoParkerBear

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

@KeetPotato

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

@fro_vo

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

@LurkAtHomeMom

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

@kimlockhartga

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

@robin_991

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

@ericsshadow

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list