[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
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“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!