@WonderMonkey78

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

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@nigelgodwin

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

@77StephanieG77

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

@VikingBut

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

@angelhairpazta

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

@DirtMcTurd

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

@ObKeeng

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

@murrman5

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.