I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.