Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️