@WonderMonkey78

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

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@zai_sarel

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

@KyleMcDowell86

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

@_NoorxA

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

@RealDMK

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

@sofarrsogud

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

@bacon_gillepic

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

@AmericanGent69

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

@secondofhername

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.