me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
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Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
No Google it does not
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
😂😂😂
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I wish this was real life…
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’