I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

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Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.


My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.


[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens


First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool


Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.


Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.


[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit


Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.


So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?


Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.