I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Me My dog
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.