I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
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Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
u spoke cat all this time??????
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Lmfaoooooo
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.