Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
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Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
😏😏😏
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?