Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*