hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Never let them know your next move 😂
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*