It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
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*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
*limbos away from your hug*
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.