Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
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Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.