me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
More like Kate Missington.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial