i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
reminder
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Whoa… oh I see lol
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.