How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
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I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
There are no pants in heaven.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
File under excellent bookstore names.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating