How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
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Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Labreador
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
how to have fun when you’re poor
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped