how to have fun when you’re poor
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me sliding into hell like
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Fluff me with a fork baby
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.