how to have fun when you’re poor
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.