how to have fun when you’re poor
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I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
he’s doing your taxes
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strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark