A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
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“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Google assistant rules
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Liquor Store Parking
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle