I like my jims slim and my chances fat
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.