There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
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Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I am, perchance
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?