The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
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Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Finally!
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.