you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
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THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?