Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

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I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.


What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?


One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.


Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.


this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what


Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.


[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns


Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?


Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.