Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Not recommended for beginners.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
2023 was just a warmup
why isn’t thunder called soundning
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.