@abbycohenwl

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

You Might Also Like

@WetzelGeek

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

@Heatinblack

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

@seantgreen

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

@EdgarPoop1

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

@GrantTanaka

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

@mommajessiec

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

@T_Bonezzz_

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

@Nickadoo

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.