If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.