I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
#Caturday
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”