I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
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[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
why would tinder want me to say this
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Fat chances are my favorite chances