I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.