I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
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(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.