My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.