Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
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Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy