Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Wait for it
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs