“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
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Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”